Requiem for a queer

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Sand Castle

When I was a child, I used to build sand castle by the seashore.
I spent hours decorating it with towers an merlons and in my childish brain I thought that the tide wouldn't swapt it away if I built it beautiful.
I'm still building castles. In the air.
I've thought I would be the best assistant for Him. I've thought that he asks for my help because I'm necessary to Him, that prefers me as member of His staff because I'm all that He needs.
A big, sumptuous castle in the air.
It has been His birthday, a special day spent working.
My wish was to show Him my gratitude for the time He's investing for my training, to tell Him He's my polestar, my benchmark. What's better than a star, then?
So I've done it. I've presented him a star. His name is finally in the right place, high in the sky.
That morning I was so excited. I couldn't wait the arrive of the envelope with my gift on his desk.
Everytime the secretary approached his office I falled in a breath-held waiting.
Finally she took the envelope to him.
"Something for you" she said.
"Leave it there, please" he said and for three hours I've known the fire that burns the souls down to the hell.
Only at lunch he called me in his office, a brief refreshing cease-fire.
The envelope was on his desk but on his face there wasn't the light of joy.
He was writing a mail or something and he just invited me to sit.
It has been worst than my first interview here, the day I met him for the first time: he's still able to annihilate me with only a word.
I guess my skin was pale and rather green, so he finally directed his attention to me.
"Why?". Just this question and my skin turned pink. The time stopped, his piercing glance pointed in my eyes, waiting for an answer.
The pushy horn of a car down in the street was the starting whistle of the match.
"To thank you" I simply answered.
"Am I forgetting something?" he asked.
I tossed my head "I'm learning lots of things with you, I'm a lucky boy having you as tutor".
He finally smiled, a soft, pale ray of light.
"Well, it's my job" he answered.
I nodded. "Ok. Probably I've been too impulsive, this is one of my bad flairs".
"it has been unespected" he said observing the envelope between us "and unsuitable" he added, rising his glance on me once again.
"Sorry. I had no intention of doing it. This should have been just a special way to say thank you".
"Thanx" he said "anyway the best gift for me is your work improvement".
You can call me stupid, pansy, immature: I felt my eyes stinging.
"I've got it. Should I go?" I moaned.
He scanned me for a pair of seconds then he dismissed me.
Since then he is reserved, avoiding me.
He's right. I'm obsessed. I'm totally insane. I'm the surviving inhabitant of a collapsed sand castle.