Requiem for a queer

Qualcosa che non c'è

2008-03-05T22:18:00.001+02:00

"Tutto questo tempo a chiedermi
Cos’è che non mi lascia in pace
Tutti questi anni a chiedermi
Se vado veramente bene
Così
Come sono
Così

Così un giorno
Ho scritto sul quaderno
Io farò sognare il mondo con la musica
Non molto tempo
Dopo quando mi bastava
Fare un salto per
Raggiungere la felicità
E la verità è

Ho aspettato a lungo
Qualcosa che non c’è
Invece di guardare il sole sorgere

Questo è sempre stato un modo
Per fermare il tempo
E la velocità
I passi svelti della gente
La disattenzione
Le parole dette
Senza umiltà
Senza cuore così
Solo per far rumore

Ho aspettato a lungo
Qualcosa che non c’è
Invece di guardare
Il sole sorgere

E miracolosamente non
Ho smesso di sognare
E miracolosamente
Non riesco a non sperare
E se c’è un segreto
E’ fare tutto come
Se vedessi solo il sole

Un segreto è fare tutto
Come se
Fare tutto
Come se
Vedessi solo il sole
Vedessi solo il sole
Vedessi solo il sole

E non
Qualcosa che non c’è"

Elisa.

Falling down

2007-11-15T21:34:00.000+02:00

"Once was a man who consumed his place and time
He thought nothing could touch him
But here and now it’s a different storyline
Like the straw he is clutching

Why has the sky turned grey
Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder
And why has my life gone astray
Scarred by disgrace, I know that its over

Because I’m falling down
With people standing round
But before I hit the ground
Is there time
Could I find someone out there to help me?

Howl at the wind rushing past my lonely head
Caught inside its own motion
How I wish it was somebody else instead
Howling at all this corrosion

Why did the luck run dry
Laugh in my face, so pleased to desert me
Why do the cruel barbs fly?
Now when disgrace can no longer hurt me

You see I'm falling down
With people standing round
But before I hit the ground
Is there time
Could I find someone out there to help me?"

Mr. Timberlake, you're fucking right.

Jeans

2007-06-13T19:18:00.002+03:00

So, here I am again to tell about my obsession.
Today, for the first time, I've seen Him wearing jeans.
Do I need spend more words about it? Yes, I do.
Just before he got to his office door one of the secretary approached him teetering on the high heels, eyelashes afluttering.
You know, his suits always fit his toned body, his muscular thighs so perfectly that I should not have been so surprised of what my eyes were staring at. While he was there standing near the girl I've eyed his sculpted, heart-shaped ass, and I've moved slowly down his legs, careful not to miss an inch.It was like seeing him for the very first time and I've followed his stride longingly as he walked past my place.
I was amazed.
So what else can I do but hover in the doorway, waiting for him calling me for the daily duties?
-Please sit down. Please don't ask me to come in if you're still standing showing the world how sexy can be a man wearing faded jeans-. It was my personal pray to God.
"Hallo?". His voice broke my daydreams and I blushed as I meet his annoyed glance. "Are you still in Dreamland?" he asked.
"Er, kind of" I mourned trying to ignore that the daylight, filtering through the french window, was blocking out his bust wrapped in his thin white shirt.
"Well wake up. We have a lot of work to do here" he told making room on his desk.
-Okay, who's first? Me the one on the desk while you drive deep in me?-
"Do you need a coffe?" he asked.
- No. All I need is you.-
"Erm.. no, thanks. It's ok" I lie while I sit on the chair and I switch on my laptop. "I'm ready".
It's true, I cannot be his lover but I can be his perfect assistant.

Sebastian

2006-11-17T05:59:00.000+02:00

I'm in love with him.
This awareness is killing me, slowly, deeply.
Everyday a tear of my sadness falls in the ocean of my love, increasing it. And everyday blood is dripping from my wounded heart, turning this ocean red.
His piercing glances are arrows running me through and I'm dying against the pillar of my foolishness. A sad Sebastian incapable of run away from his executioner.

Bet

2006-09-15T03:03:00.009+03:00

Today is his birthday.
No, I haven't sent him flowers or stars this time. My present for him has been getting rid of myself.
How? Well, simple.
This morning I've suggested him a bet because I was sure a) He would never accepted b) to win.
The stake? One of his day against a full month truce of my presence. You can easly guess that this could mean very much to me (and to him!) but I was so damned sure to win...
And you know what? He agreed. And I lose.
For a month I'm going to say only what is strictly necessary to work and disappear when I'm done.
I accept my defeat but I wonder if he would have paid honour to the bet in case I'd won.
One of his days? I don't belive he really feels inclined to do something like that. Not at all.
Wanna bet?

Back again

2006-01-31T01:04:00.000+02:00

Sorry.
I have been so busy (and serene) that I've forget to tell you about last months.
Well. He invited me for a dinner and he asked me sorry for his bitter behaviour. After that evening all has gone better. He has allowed me to be little closer to him. He sometimes counts on my help and I'm happy to please him. Until the last week was all perfect. I was satisfied, calm and self-confident.
But now. He has received flowers. In his office.
I think I never seen him so irritated. Well, I can understand him: he's so a reserved person and I'm sure he was embarrassed becouse anyone wondered: "Who?", me at first.
Who?
Gosh, I'm on tenterhooks...

Victory!

2005-10-22T01:28:00.000+03:00

I'm happy! Really really really happy!
I've won this match =)
Him vs Me= 0-1
Next days for explain =)
=))))))))

Lie down!

2005-10-07T22:42:00.000+03:00

That's he told me with his gesture: go to your place!
He has asked to the director to give me back the money I've employed for the purchase of the star.
Bitter. Despicable. Coward. Shrewd. Bristling.
That's all you are.

Sand Castle

2005-09-20T03:30:00.000+03:00

When I was a child, I used to build sand castle by the seashore.
I spent hours decorating it with towers an merlons and in my childish brain I thought that the tide wouldn't swapt it away if I built it beautiful.
I'm still building castles. In the air.
I've thought I would be the best assistant for Him. I've thought that he asks for my help because I'm necessary to Him, that prefers me as member of His staff because I'm all that He needs.
A big, sumptuous castle in the air.
It has been His birthday, a special day spent working.
My wish was to show Him my gratitude for the time He's investing for my training, to tell Him He's my polestar, my benchmark. What's better than a star, then?
So I've done it. I've presented him a star. His name is finally in the right place, high in the sky.
That morning I was so excited. I couldn't wait the arrive of the envelope with my gift on his desk.
Everytime the secretary approached his office I falled in a breath-held waiting.
Finally she took the envelope to him.
"Something for you" she said.
"Leave it there, please" he said and for three hours I've known the fire that burns the souls down to the hell.
Only at lunch he called me in his office, a brief refreshing cease-fire.
The envelope was on his desk but on his face there wasn't the light of joy.
He was writing a mail or something and he just invited me to sit.
It has been worst than my first interview here, the day I met him for the first time: he's still able to annihilate me with only a word.
I guess my skin was pale and rather green, so he finally directed his attention to me.
"Why?". Just this question and my skin turned pink. The time stopped, his piercing glance pointed in my eyes, waiting for an answer.
The pushy horn of a car down in the street was the starting whistle of the match.
"To thank you" I simply answered.
"Am I forgetting something?" he asked.
I tossed my head "I'm learning lots of things with you, I'm a lucky boy having you as tutor".
He finally smiled, a soft, pale ray of light.
"Well, it's my job" he answered.
I nodded. "Ok. Probably I've been too impulsive, this is one of my bad flairs".
"it has been unespected" he said observing the envelope between us "and unsuitable" he added, rising his glance on me once again.
"Sorry. I had no intention of doing it. This should have been just a special way to say thank you".
"Thanx" he said "anyway the best gift for me is your work improvement".
You can call me stupid, pansy, immature: I felt my eyes stinging.
"I've got it. Should I go?" I moaned.
He scanned me for a pair of seconds then he dismissed me.
Since then he is reserved, avoiding me.
He's right. I'm obsessed. I'm totally insane. I'm the surviving inhabitant of a collapsed sand castle.

Lacrimosa

2005-08-02T23:22:00.000+03:00

I should be happy.
I see him everyday, I can smell him, his seductive voice rocks my senses day by day. But I'm not.
During the last month we've worked side by side, we've spent much time together, sitting thigh-by-thigh, breathing the same air.
Once we've walked for a while after work, it was late in the evening and we were both tired. It was so natural walking silently, no shallow talk, no formality. That's what I've felt. But if it's true we would be much closer than we actually are.
It hurts me.
It grieves me that he smiles at someone, that he glances at someone, that he talks to someone. Someone who's obviously special to him.
I know every detail of his perfect face, I've learned his gestures and I can guess the pose he will assume in some specific context.
I know his tastes: he hates coffee, he prefers cold green tea, he never eats fats but prefers fishes and vegetables. I like pamper him with little kindness, I check that the fridge-bar is always stocked with his favourite drinks and fruits.
But I'm not special to him.
I should disappear tomorrow and he'll probably wonder if the secretary have changed hair color.

Blind

2005-07-06T03:32:00.000+03:00

Are you able to see a sound? Not at all.
So, He will never see me.
I'm a voice, turning over pages fingers, steps around the room. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Even if I would shout all my frustration it would be the same thing: just a sound, melting with the city noises.
I'm tired. I feel demotivated, demoralised and worthless.
Gosh, it would change if only He would deem me worthy of a glance.
Impossible.
You can't see a sound.

Sickness

2005-05-21T00:14:00.001+03:00

About a month ago my girlfriend's mother was taken ill with an aneurism.
Since then I've been always near my gf, at home and at the hospital, but yesterday night it developed in cerebral ischemia.
This morning at work my colleagues were worried about the state of her health. Everyone of them has showed fondness toward me, everyone, including Him.
He has called me in his office and has asked if he could do something calling some good doctors he knows, or if he could do something for me.
Gosh, I feel ashamed for my thoughts.
He was offering his help and me? -Sure you can. Fuck me, here, NOW- That's what my thoughts screamed.
"Thanks, Sir" is all I've been able to say.
I'm only a filthy, sick selfish guy.
Sex
gay
queer

Waking dream

2005-04-16T03:30:00.000+03:00

Something should happen to him.
He seems tired to me, pensive, more reserved than usual, and you know he is not used to tell anyone his troubles.
He sits alone in his office working, answering the phone, resigned. He silently signs the rough drafts we bring to him and he keep his eyes down, far away from the chilling glances we well know.
I can't remember how many times I've pictured myself get in his office wrapped in a smooth daylight, the same daylight that shroud his figure, a fallen angel lost on this Earth.
He's dropped in his chair, eyes closed, tie loosed, unbuttoned cuffs. I can guess the shape of his chest through his thin white shirt, breathing with ease, his luxurious lips slightly open.
Gosh, what a marvel...
He's there for me only and I'm enraptured watching him.
At that instant he opens his eyes, he looks at me with his onyx eyes and he stay silent.
Slowly he rises his hand to loose his tie, slipping it off and dropping it on the floor. He unbottons his shirt, his eyes glued to mine, slow, and I glance at his naked skin, revealed through the white curtains of his shirt. It's the most beautiful view my eyes can long for.
I sigh, exhausted, a suffering groan.
He smiles. He enjoys driving me crazy, let me burn hunger for him. He's pleased to know that I'm only waiting for a wink to fall on my knees, ready to worship him, love passionately every inch of his devine body. Noone would be more faithful than me.
But he really doesn't do it.
He barely speaks to me, job apart, unaware he's losing something special.

Wish

2005-04-12T03:33:00.000+03:00

"He looked at me from head to toe running his hand across the length of my back and told me he thought I was incredibly hot.
He looked me in the eyes and told me that I have no idea what I mean to him or how much he cares for me.
He told me everything I would let him tell me about his life, all his secrets, all his feelings and we have had lots of sex.
We spent the weekend together. I picked him up Saturday afternoon and took him home Sunday night."

One day I'll write it for real. At the moment it's just a fantasy.

Fg8 mirror

2005-04-06T01:25:00.000+03:00

I'm testing this blog mirror on a server in my country. Same graphic but not same quality. Posts are *magically* deleted everytime I link back this blog.
Maybe it's a fate'sing: keep journaling here.

Hidden life?

2005-03-30T01:02:00.000+03:00

I'd like to know where he've been, where he has spent his easter holidays.
His skin is little tanned, his hands chapped and his neck scratched.
Also the only colleague that can take some liberties with him asked about his days off but he just smiled as answer.
For God sake, what exhausting reserve!

The strategy element 6: takes advantage of others' resources

2005-03-21T22:12:00.000+02:00

Mary comes to me, her hands firmly closed on a folder.
"Whazup?" I ask annoyed.
"I've got it" she whispers.
"You have *what*" I'm still annoyed.
She casts her careful glance around the office than she open the folder, just a little enough to let me discern what is in.
I control my nerve and I say (as the view cut no ice with me) "So?".
She bows her head on me "Please, I'd like to have one with his picture".
I simulate indulgence "You know, it could upset him".
"Oh! Don't worry about that. No one will see it. I'll keep it in a safe place away from here"
"Hm..."
"Please!"
I hesitate, finally I smile. "All right. I'll do it".
She is radiant with happiness "Thank you! I'll pay for a drink".
"No problem".
She goes away, the folder is in my bag. Inside of it a glossy, flawless, lovely portrait of my boss.

The strategy element 5: utilizes existing communication networks

2005-03-12T05:51:00.000+02:00

Me:- Sorry? Oh! Your friend would like have one, too. Sure, no problems! Well, I've noticed that most of you have a nice selfportrait calendar on the wall since january. Someone hasn't? Oh, our boss. Someone should ask him if he would like have his own...

The strategy element 4: exploits common motivations and behaviors

2005-02-16T10:13:00.000+02:00

Clever viral marketing plans take advantage of common human motivations.
Me:- Yes, maybe I can do a calendar with a picture of you

The strategy element 3: scales easily from small to very large

2005-01-19T05:39:00.000+02:00

Me:- I've print the calendar to hang it on the wall, 40x27 inches. It's funny. Would you like one?

The strategy element 2: provides for effortless transfer to others

2004-12-22T00:20:00.000+02:00

"Viruses only spread when they're easy to transmit. The medium that carries your marketing message must be easy to transfer and replicate".
Me:-Hi! Would you like this desktop calendar? Yes, I've done it for ALL of you. Yes, it's very useful. This sexy boy in the picture? Well, it's me. Oh! Thank you, the photographer was very good.

"Viral marketing works famously on the Internet because instant communication has become so easy and inexpensive."
Me:- Sure! Here you are the useful desktop widget with the calendar and the sexy picture of me. Well, ok. You can upload it in the local net if you like.

"From a marketing standpoint, you must simplify your marketing message so it can be transmitted easily and without degradation."
Me:- You forget to do that? No problem. I'll do it.

"Short is better."
Me:- Only 452Kb

The strategy element 1: give away valuable products or services

2004-11-30T07:58:00.001+02:00

Remember about my strategy propose?
Well it's goin' on and... it's working =)
Ok, let me explain.
I'm a shy boy even if I'm always friendly to everyone. I'm working in this agency since march and I've found lots of nice people and friends. We are people famous around the world for our kindness, afterall.
So, some of my colleagues and I go out for dinner/movie/drinkies, always with my girlfriend, but I've never, and I say -never- met Him. I wonder where he goes. I mean, this city is big but, God, it's not -so- big!
For the first two/three... ok, -four/five- months I was rather silent and awkward, especially with him.
Well, I still blush if he eyes me with his special strict glances but I'm making progresses. I've decided to use a strategy, right? Good. I'm offering valuable products and services.
Which kind of products? Simple: my friendship, my time, my emotions.
Services? My labour supply, car driver availability, stuff carrier.
I know, I'm paltry. Never mind. What matters is the result.
Yesterday, after about a month of hard work I've gained the first success.
I was sitting at my desktop working on our last budget (that one of the meeting). One of my colleagues came near me because he needed help with Quark X-Press 6.0. He doesn't work in my group, his boss isn't Him, but sometimes he asks for someone who can help him because he has always worked on the 4.0 version.
Since this month he found in me his 'press guardian angel', he came straight to my place holding a cd.
I told him I was working on a document that someone else was waiting for to going on with the job but he started to insist.
"Please, just a little thing" he said "ten minutes! It's a big deal".
"-He- is a big deal for you, isn't it?". My boss's voice spread over firm and gently just after us.
My collegue gave a start while my heart shook.
He stumbled over some explanetion but my boss stopped him.
"He's still busy for me" he said "please, don't impose on him your lacks".
I was ready to get a severe dressing-down, starting with something like "You, fucking lazy" but, guess what?, he looked over me a bit and said "You should learn to say no".
Now at long last I could say everything I wanted to say during the past month. I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again.
In that moment he deemed me worthy of his attention and the only thing I've been able to babble was "Yes, sir".
Shit. I'm still a fucking idiot. Anyway something is changed. Now He knows that I'm here to offer valuable products and services.
Hope he will rate it.

Viral managing

2004-11-07T14:22:00.000+02:00

I admit it. He still fancy me.
I still think he's the most gorgeous man I've ever set eyes on in all my life. I still think I want him.
I know. I'm running towards a precipice.
I will fall.
I will get hurt.
Not bad. I'm getting hurt anyway repressing my emotions, watching the players from outside the courtyard.
So, last friday, while I was reading about viral marketing, I've had a flash of inspiration: it's just all I need to improve my position of 'human being' to 'friend' in his precious courtyard-regards.

Here the strategy elements:
1) Gives away valuable products or services
2) Provides for effortless transfer to others
3) Scales easily from small to very large
4) Exploits common motivations and behaviors
5) Utilizes existing communication networks
6) Takes advantage of others' resources.

Tomorrow I will start my own strategy.
Stay tuned.

Disillusioned

2004-10-25T23:54:00.000+03:00

Just as I expected, he behaved kindly to me. And aloof.
Detached glances, courteousnes's smiles, monosyllabic answers.
I think I wouldn't be surprised, I'm just one of his subordinate, nothing more.
Eight months.
I don't know what to feel. Probably I should recover my wits, wake up and get out of this mad obsession.
I should think to my girlfriend, taking care of our relationship, cultivate our love.
I feel to love her. She's still my angel, my best friend, my sweet think.
Probably He's making the right think: as long as he offers me just formal cordiality I'm safe.
And I should thank him.

scared

2004-10-24T19:24:00.000+03:00

I'm going nervous.
Tomorrow I'll escort my boss and the account manager for a budget meeting.
I don't know how I will bare it.

Cold back

2004-09-26T19:27:00.001+03:00

How can your moods change so suddenly?
Simple: HE'S BACK.
He's more gorgeous than the last day I've seen him. And more distant. Christ, he has drop nothing more than a little glance on me, and he's here for a week.
I have to do something. I MUST do something...

Summer holidays

2004-08-05T04:49:00.001+03:00

I hate this summer. Warm, sultry, sticky. Everyone take their weeks off, everyone, with a bright smile on their face.
It's not my istance. I'm living with the pain in my heart.
It sounds so pathetic, I know, but you can't fancy what I mean since I haven't write down what's happening to me.
Well. I guess it isn't hard getting the picture anyway.
I've already introduced you the reason of this blog in the previous post: my boss. After long tortured deliberation I can admit that he fancies me even if it still sounds odd to me. You must know that I've a girlfriend. Our story lasts for about three years and I think I love her. She's still my first thought, but... But.
Ok, let's try to explain.
About a month ago we were working on a new underwear brand. I worked as account executive assistant in a six head stuff. He was the client director. For the first time we worked so close and I was very nervous about it. You remember? He wasn't keen on me.
I haven't worked harder before, I was so under pressure that sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night screaming.
Fortunately everything is gone ok. The underwear brand is getting people's claims and we are getting our satisfaction, but... But.
Last monday I was sitting at my desk working on my computer. My boss was in his office, the door open. He usually keeps it closed becouse he prefers work quitly but that day he was busy and he walked frequently back and forth. When he went past my desk I peeped him, I can't help it. It's just like staring at an hypnotist's swaying pendent. My thoughts started to run away from my will, they were painting a waking dream in my head. The picture was my boss in underwear.
"He probably wears black boxer" I thought "or dark gray slip. Probably he's naked under his slacks".
I was valuing this chance while a voice came into my mind from out of the silence.
"Maybe he's interested in something else, isn't it?"
He stood talking in front of me and I realized that my gaze was glued to his bulging crotch. Blushing profusely, I quickly looked up at his face. His eyes were glued to mine.
"Er...yes. No! Sorry, I've been kinda self-absorbed".
He eyed me with a piercing glance before going on with his speak.
It was so awkward. So fuckin' awkward.
I'm sure that it upset all my good job efforts. One fucking moment of weakness against a month of hard work.
I can guess that without an effective check.
I haven't meet him again since than and he's taking his summer holidays.
He's probably sailing in the blue while I'm having lot of it.

Four months ago

2004-06-30T12:57:00.001+03:00

I glance at the calendar and sigh.
Four months ago I was sitting behind that door, waiting for a blond secretary call.
It was the job conversation day. It was one of the most stressing day of my life.
They were five: four man and a woman. The oldest man was flicking through my curriculum while I hardly bent on a chair. The other three were watching me and I remember the one thing I would wish if I rubbed a lamp and a genie suddenly appeared: disappear.
So here I am now, with my new job, working for that people. It wasn't easy. I steel feel amestruck when the boss reproach me.
My boss doesn't wants me. He got angry when I was engaged. I suspected he thinks I'm rather incapable, but I know I'm not. I live for those days when he will understand that I'm a talented boy. I love my job. And my boss loves his job, too.
I work for the biggest fuckin' bastard I've ever known.
We call him Mr. Dande for two reasons: first, it's the acronym of his name; second, he's a dandy.
He's gorgeous, no two ways about it. He's secretly fancied by every woman here. He's tall, brawny, shiny short brown hair, eyebrows perfectly arching deep black eyes, kissable pouting lips.
He's well aware of his charm and his charisma, he's well aware of the effect he has on people and he doesn't care using them. But he doesn't with us.
There are only few people here that MrDande doesn't worthy of his attentions, and no one of us is so lucky to be one of them.
I wish I would be one day.

First post

2004-06-09T05:10:00.000+03:00

Three months ago, I never would have envisioned being connected by computer to the lives of millions of people. As a good mixer accustomed to meet people around, I felt a little dislike for at the concept of blogs.
Now I'm here sitting,@ my computer in the heart of the night, editing my first post.
I know the reason that induce me to do this, I'm aware of it. I just need a little time to have the nerve to face it.
I'd like to think that this will be soon.